What does your favourite TV show say about you?

After making the 'What does your book say about you?' I've decided that I should give you some more of my wisdom and sarcastic nature and make another chart only this time it would be about our beloved TV shows. In my defence I like most of the shows I've mentioned below and I am mocking myself, too, so it's okay. Now go, read, prosper and waste some more of your precious time by reading Vessela's bulshit. Amen.

1. The Big Bang Theory 

You practically want to bang Penny while reading the latest journal for the new discoveries around the higgs boson. You’re a nerdy guy with a sense of humor and we’d probably like you if we met you at a party. The problem is.. you don’t go out of the physics lab much and the only parties you go to are your grandmother’s weekly tea parties where 70-year-old ladies hit on you while you try your best not to throw up from the stale smell of naphthalene coming out of them. Don't worry, it gets better.

2. Sherlock

You are probably a 13 to 18 year-old-girl and you want to have sex with Benedict Cumbeahdsnfnbach whose name is impossible to pronounce and I think his parents hated him for naming him like that. (whose name is Benedict unless you’re the Pope!?!) You’ve watched all the BBC shows but you’ve never heard of Arthur Conan Doyle. After you started watching Sherlock you’ve picked up some fake British accent and you like calling yourself ‘a highly functioning sociopath’ while you’re nothing but a pretentions little bitch who pisses me off.

3. Supernatural 

You have a weakness for extremely hot tough guys who kill aliens and stuff. Every night you check under your bed for monsters and you hope to find there Sam or Dean Winchester preferably naked and sweaty. If this is any consolation: Both actors are happily married with children, they live 10 000 miles away from you, they’ll never look at you, they have no fucking idea who you are and demons don’t exist. Oops, that didn’t sound like consolation. My bad.

4. The Vampire Diaries

Oh, yes, vampire again! Hollywood and the Almighty Mainstream Media learned that vampires, wolverines and all the creatures from the sort are the gold mine of the 21^st century and they decided to exploit it to the fullest. And they got you right where they wanted you. You sit there in front of your computer or TV gasping in awe while watching the gorgeous bad vampires and that hot chick who’s supposed to be Bulgarian. Let’s face it: if this is your favourite show, you are a teenage girl whose wet dreams every night include a guy who’s afraid of garlic and doesn’t go out in the daylight. Just go date a pale Jewish boy – it won’t make much difference.

5. Sex and the City

Remember when we were 12 and our mothers didn’t let us watch this show because it contained nudity and they were afraid that we would become wicked sexual creatures? And they sat there with their middle aged friends, drinking coffee or wine and giggled at the word ‘dick’? Well, guess what, Madre... We became the sexual freaks you warned us about but we also discovered that Sex and the City isn’t that scary and is quite educational. If you enjoy watching this show, you are either one of the mothers I mentioned or you are a pervy teenager who gets horny when they show tits or say ‘vagina’. Bravo, little boy, just don’t forget that one day you’ll probably turn into one of the assholes from the show who likes to jerk off in the woman’s hair or breaks up with the girl because she won’t do a threesome with your cousin.

6. House M.D.

You’ve learned that the diagnosis is never lupus and you consider yourself already with a medical degree. You enjoy the quite amazing cases and the way Dr. House aaaalways gets it right in the end. The truth is, you’re a sarcastic asshole with too much free time on his/her hands (8 seasons!?!). You think people are dumb,  they suck and should never procreate. You also watch this show because you heard somewhere that one of the hot doctorettes is a lesbian and you were hoping to save yourself some time from digging the Internet for girl on girl action. After all doctors are cool but lesbians are forever. –old Chinese proverb.

7. Grey’s Anatomy

You started watching this because the doctors were young fresh interns and they kinda had the same problems you did – overworking, overdrinking and always on the look for getting laid. Also Grey’s Anatomy is the updated better version of the E.R. where all we got was some sick people and some ugly people. Here we met Meredith Grey and Co. and we loved them. Unfortunately after the millionth season it turns out that almost everyone died, everyone slept with everyone, they put some lesbians in and too much drama. If this is your favourite show, you are either a medical major in university and you watch it after the 12-hour cramming sessions. Or you thought you were actually watching House but you were too lazy to switch the channel so you said to yourself ‘aah, fuck it, it’s the same thing – doctors whose words I don’t understand and some lesbians’.

8. The L word

Lesbians, lesbians everywhere. One time I started watching this you know... for the girls but I ended up deeply disappointed because all this show gives you is motherfucking drama all the fucking time. I mean.. why do lesbians take everything so hard? Except dicks, they don’t take dicks hard, because they hate men, duuuh. Take it easy, ladies! If this is your favourite show, you are a sexually frustrated teenage girl or you’re AGAIN a horny teenage boy who is too afraid to watch porn online because his parents might catch him. Here are Vessela’s words of wisdom for today: YOU CAN DELETE YOUR BROWSER HISTORY AFTER WATCHING PORN, YOU IDIOT! You’re welcome.

9. Breaking Bad

Cooking meth is so much fun. You are basically a scientist and you love working with the pretty crystals and all the lovely chemistry and little bubbles. I just wonder where your Nobel prize is..? Oh, I remembered! It’s in the house of some reAL FUCKING MAN OF SCIENCE WHO DOESN’T SPEND HIS DAYS SURROUNDED BY DRUGS AND MORONS!

10. The O.C.

Beautiful rich people, gorgeous homes, endless sunny beaches and guys from the wrong side of the town. It’s like a bestseller written by the book. I loved watching this show and I still love it. If this is one of your favourite shows (here I include myself) you are a young woman with affinity to handsome troubled men and at some point you wished you had the problems of Marissa so that there would be someone to save you. Oh, the romance! Wake up, little girl, what you want here is absolutely narcissistic and selfish – you want guys to fight for you and to get in trouble because of you?! This is considered romantic only in bad novels and blockbuster movies and you’re living in neither. Welcome to reality, where the phones are disposable as well as the relationships, your beer is cheaper than your bread and people won't love you no matter what.