What does your book say about you?

Vessela's wall of book-shaming and webcam-whoring.

I love reading. And I try as hard as I can to find the free time to just relax and get comfortable with a book in my hands. But due to excessive drinking, undersleeping and overlazying my ass off, I have to read my books 'on the go'. Which basically means I read in the bus, in the subway, while waiting or walking or when I'm in classes. But I also see a whole lot of other people around me clutching their books outside in the wide wide world. So I've decided because firstly: I'm a sarcastic jerk who likes mocking people and secondly - for the love of books, to make you a little chart of what does the book you're reading say about you. This way, completely wholeheartedly, I will help you read (pun intended) the passersby around you by their book of choice.

1. Lolita

Lo-lee-ta. Light of my life, fire in my loins. Nabokov wrote a masterpiece - no one can argue with that. But in the sarcastic life of Vessela you have no excuse. If you're reading Lolita, you most definitely want to have kinky sex with promiscuous 13-year-old girls who are old enough to be your granddaughters. Don't worry, dear friend, in some cultures it's okay to marry an 8-year-old, so you're safe. 

2. Foucault's Pendulum

I am preeetty sure I will never read this one of Eco's books because I'm on a tight drinking schedule and ain't nobody got time for that! But having a professional opinion about basically everything I must say that the people who are reading this book are.fucking.weird. Do you even know who Foucault is?! Well, I googled him for the sake of all of you and this guy looks like a pedophile I tell you! Secondly, do you know what a pendulum does?! I checked this one too, thank you very much, and wikipedia says that 'A pendulum is a weight suspended from a pivot so that it can swing freely'. wHAT?! Isn't that the way guys swing their dicks freely while trying to impress us? Thank you, Internet, for fucking me up.

3. An Introduction to Zen Buddism

Someone gave you this book or you got it yourself because you're a vegan, save-the-world, save-the-animals, learn-to-love-every-asshole, flower-eating chick and ain't that cute! You'd rather spend your night sleeping under a tree while worms crawling in your hair than go out with friends partying. You wanted to study Buddism because you saw some cool photos on tumblr and you think Buddha was quite an awesome bald guy with a sense of humor and a serene smile. After started reading this book you told your boyfriend you won't have sex with him until he stops drinking beer and when he kindly asked for a blowjob you screamed 'MEAT IS MURDER' and threw a big bucket of red paint on him. If that isn't religious terrorism I don't know what is..

4. The Principles of Quantum Mechanics 

You are a sweet boy with glasses who actually enjoys studying Quantum Mechanics. But while reading your cute book in the college park, you can't help yourself but check out the sexy girls laying around the grass talking about the new Miley Cyrus video. Don't worry, little boy, it's perfectly okay to jerk off at least twice a day over your dad's '89 issue of Playboy with Pam Anderson on the cover. Your biggest dream is for girls to see what a smart guy you are and that someday you'll have a PhD. (a pretty huuuge dick)

5. 50 shades of Grey 

There are several options for this book's readers. You are either a middle aged mom with a secret internet boyfriend named Hesus who likes to have dirty talks and some webcam action during which he shows you his penis. Or you are a teen girl who desperately tries to find her Christian Grey and she makes her 15-year-old boyfriend to tie her to his mom's bed with shoelaces while gently spanking her with a spatula. Or you're just a gay man who wanted to see if straight people are as kinky as he thought. Yes they are.

6. One of Dan Brown's books 

You are a person who is so completely obsessed with conspiracy that you suspect your 78-year-old neighbour's cat of being a KGB agent. And the only time you ever visited the Louvre in Paris was to check under Mona Lisa's painting if someone had left a secret message for you there. There is a message: you're an idiot.

7. The Harry Potter books

You're either a teenager enjoying the amazing adventures of the wizard boy. Or you're a 40 year-old creep who pretends to actually be Harry Potter by drawing the scar on your forehead while regularly going on Chatroulette to make underaged girls dress like Hermione while he jerks off. Erecto my penis, you little witch!

8. The Great Gatsby 

You've watched the movie with Leo Dicaprio on 3D (or probably saw some quotes on facebook or tumblr) which made you realise that all through your existence you've been waiting for a handsome Jay Gatsby to rush into your life and make you his Daisy who looked at her "in a way that every young girl wants to be looked at". I'm sorry to break it down for you, sweetheart, but while you were watching your 10 dollar movie in the Mall you kinda missed the gist of Mr. Fitzgerald (the one who wrote the book maybe?!). Daisy is a fucking bitch who doesn't even show up on Gatsby's funeral after you know.. uhh sleeping with him for several weeks behind her husband's back. AND also if I may add - Your beloved Gatsby was slightly crazy because... hmm I don't know..  he spent all this time, money and effort to get back the girl he was once so in love with and when he finally met her again he tried to make her 'erase' all these past years they weren't together saying 'hey baby I was kinda away for some time, be a doll and tell me that you never loved your fuCKING HUSBAND WITH WHOM YOU SHARE A CHILD'. Sorry, I got a little out of topic.

9. On the road

Aah the latest book I've read and my latest disappointment. So let me tell you about the people who read this book which include me to be honest. Reading Kerouac's baby means that you are a 20-something year old person (girl in my case) who so desperately wants to escape the big scary city and go live on the road with some friends and have fun, drink and do drugs. But in reality - you are a slightly insane student (yep, me again) who's sooo dellusional from her dreaming of blue skies, clear roads and unforgettable moments that up until the end of the book SHE doesn't realise that Kerouac actually wrote about his journeys which include: going to whorehouses, living off the money his aunt regularly sends him and getting flamingly drunk. So.. well done, 21-year-old-girl, you are one step closer to blowing everything off and screwing everything up.

11. Twilight 

I'm sorry not sorry but only my enormous crush on Robert Pattinson and the fact that Kristen Stewart is fuckin' hot in real life are the only things that can make me read the twilight books. If you are in fact reading them, you most probably have an unhealthy obsession with vampires, wolverines and pale white virgins and you desire to have sex with one of the above or all of them together. White people everywhere...

12. Why Men Love Bitches 

You're a strong confident woman but somehow you always go on dates with imbecile 30-year-old babies who still live with their mothers and ask you if they can have anal sex with you at least once a month if they buy you an engagement ring. So with this being your regular life you picked up this book because you thought you need an excuse for being le bitch. It's all pretty great and I kinda understand you. Unfortunately, I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this but - while being a tremendous bitch to every guy that comes along you will miss the good guys pretty easily and you'll end up an old maid with 45 cats and an old book gathering dust in your library that fucked up your life.

13. Some of My Future Marvellous Yet Unwritten Books 

You are a wonderful human being with a keen interest in great classic literature. You will be happy for the rest of your life, have 2 or 3 children and go to heaven. God bless.

Unfaithfully yours, V.