hero-in.

My grandmother has always been my hero. I’ve looked up to her all my life. It’s all so lovely and everything but you know what, I’m turning 20 in 2 weeks and I think I’m starting to realize some things. I’m getting old. It’s inevitable. Fuck that. I don’t even care. I’m not going to overreact like some of you assholes who say that they’re “already too old”. You’re 20, idiot, these are the best years of your life, tell me how you’ll feel when you’re 40 – dead? The scarier thing is that my grandmother is getting old too. ‘Normal’ – some of you may say. But the thing is that I’m starting to have panic attacks. 

She can’t grow old. What am I going to do without her? I will die. I will vanish. I’m gonna slit my wrists till I don’t feel a thing. I’m gonna burn my flesh and turn to dirty ashes on the ground. I don’t want to live without her, not to have her in my life. I am so furious I can feel it in my bones, I feel my skull getting smaller pressing my brain. My head is going to explode. She can’t do this to me. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. I want her to be here, I need her to stand tall next to me if I get married, if I have children, when I graduate, when I get my first real job, when I buy my first apartment. Who’s going to make me coffee when I’m home and take care for me when I’m sick? Who’s going to tell me not to have any more tattoos and that my skirt’s too short? Who’s going to make me reevaluate my life and actually see the real things in life? And most importantly – who’s going to love me the way she loves me?

Inhale. Exhale. Calming down the attacks. Clearing my head. The cold hard truth embraces me with a deadly grip: ‘you can’t do anything about it’. Don’t tell me that! I know it. I am perfectly aware that I’m an egoistic bitch with a thousand issues and a million bad habits. And I won’t be the person who’s mature enough to say ‘that’s life, these things happen’. NO! That’s not life. That’s the fucked up point of you of a fucking pessimist who’s accepted the fucking idea that he’s going to die f-u-c-k-i-n-g alone. I don’t want to be alone. I won’t be alone. I refuse to be.

I can’t fight time. I’m not strong enough. All I know is… Heroes don’t die.

Unfaithfully yours, V.