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- Drinking will kill you. – he said as he was pouring my next drink.
- So will life. – I answered.
- That’s a dumb cliché used by everyday alcoholics, you know that?
- Oh, that was harsh. I thought you love me.
- I love you, baby, that’s the problem. I want your broken rotten heart just for me. Here – have a sip, drown down the sorrow and cloud your pretty head.
Lou handed me the glass, I wrapped my fingers around its cold surface, my lips touched the alcohol, I closed my eyes and my soul sang.
- It’s all a metaphor, can’t you see? Alcohol, I mean. Liquid courage. The fluid of love, hate and fear. Puts tears in my eyes and fire in my loins. I kill my liver, I kill my conscience, I kill a thousand brain cells with every glass. I meet the end of my inhibitions at the bottom of the bottle. I lie to myself that I need it. It’s a sophisticated way of drowning myself in something that will kill me in the end.
- Don’t worry, in the end you’ll be mine, alcohol won’t be the one that’ll get you. Wait, let me light this one for you.
He flicked his lighter to light up my cigarette. I held his boney fingers, inhaled, looked at his black eyes, exhaled and let him go.
- My future cancer thanks you.
- Oh, baby, cancer won’t get ya. It’ll be me squeezing your dirty lungs until you can’t breathe.
- Dear sir, you’re too kind. But if you think about it, this one here – I said as I was examining my cigarette while rolling it in my fingers – is also a metaphor. I’m not really addicted to cigarettes or anything at all, I just like the way they make me feel. Cigarettes are a gorgeous way to kill time, to hide behind the smoke, to slowly die without actually having to die right away.
- That was beautiful... can I use it in my memoirs?
We stopped talking for awhile. I liked the silence. There are some people you just can’t stand still with for some time. But with Lou not talking was pleasant. He was looking through the shutters. There was still mild rain tapping on the window. The streetlights were creeping in the room and threw shadows on his beautiful face. He had sharp cheek-bones and a serene smile he always carried on his lips. He caught me looking at him and fixed me with his black eyes. Sometimes his eyes were deep blue, or black, or green. I liked them the most when they were green.
- What are you thinking about, baby? Having some dark thoughts, aren’t we?
- Why are you asking me what I think about when you always know what’s inside my head. You've read my mind before I even get the chance of deciphering my thoughts.
- You know I always stop myself from reading your mind. I like listening to you explaining yourself. It’s so sweet when you can’t get everything out and you start spluttering and making gestures.
- Oh, that’s hilarious – I said and put out my cigarette which made me irrationally angry – You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and all of you who blame me for not talking and then you make fun of me when I start explaining myself and you never let me finish. I have a hard time getting the words out of my head let alone my mouth.
Lou pulled my chair closer to him and put his both hands around my face.
- Clear your mind. – he said.
- Fuck off, you asshole. – I was still too pissed to play his mind games tonight and I tried to get his hands off my head. Unfortunately, I forgot how strong he was.
- Shut up and clear your mind. What do you see?
- Your ugly face, you jerk. Get your fucking hands off me.
He slapped me and took a good hold of me:
- Clear your filthy mind, baby, and tell me what you see.
- Your sister.
- That was very mature, thank you very much. What do you see?
- Your mother.
- My mother’s dead. Clear your head, I said!
- Please go away.
- No! You’re gonna clear your mind even if I have to beat the shit out you.
- Please, I don’t want, I can’t.. – I was getting tired, I felt like crying, I felt like taking a big nap, I felt like having a big drink. He was staring at me with his beautiful violent face. His eyes were getting greener.
- Look at my eyes and lose it all. Come on, baby, I promise you it’s for your own good.
- Oh, fuck it. – I gave in.
I stared at his green eyes and started losing myself into them. Clearing your mind when you’ve got so much shit going on in there is a tough job.
- Now tell me what you see.
- I see you.
- No, you see me in front of yourself. I want you to tell me what you see when you clear everything from your mind. What.do.you.see?
- I see him.
- I knew that.
- I don’t wanna see him.
- But you do. What else do you see?
- Nothing. Just him and his stupid smile.
- Okay, what is he telling you?
- Oh, God, I don’t want to see him... Get him out of there. I can’t see him again. Get him out!
- Baby, calm down...
But I couldn’t calm myself down. I was drowning in my own mind. I started shaking in his hands and I felt like I was going to faint.
- Open your eyes, baby, open your eyes and I’ll make it all go away.
I looked at his eyes. They were turning blue and they calmed me down. That was the thing with Lou – you never knew if he was gonna kill you in a second or save your fucking miserable life.
- Do you feel better? Come on, you’re gonna go all insane for a boy? – he teased me and smiled showing his perfect teeth.
Then I fell apart. Literally and metaphorically. Note to self: always have someone who’s got his/her shit together when you start having nervous breakdowns or you might end up in a mental institution. I started crying and dragged myself on the floor. Oh, miserable existence of mine! For the record, this wasn’t the first time I was laying in Lou’s feet crying like an idiot over something or someone. And every time I was breaking down Lou was there, picking up the pieces of me, and gluing them together. Even though he seemed like the toughest guy on the planet, Lou couldn’t stand seeing me cry. That’s the problem with people like me who smile all the time – everyone gets used to seeing you with a goofy grin on your face and gets kinda uneasy when they see you choking on your tears.
So there we were – me, Lou and a sea of tears.
- I know why you’re crying, baby.
- The global warming? – I tried to mumble through my tears.
- It’s him, right? It’s always been him.
- It can be someone else..
- Yeah, sure..
- Of course it’s fucking him. I’ve been dying over this asshole for.. forever, I think. – I was starting to get myself together. I looked for my lighter.
Lou sat on the floor in front of me and took a drag off my cigarette.
- It’s completely normal to feel this way right now. I knew you back then when you started thinking about him. And you thought a lot about this boy. This is your biggest problem – when you get something in your mind, you can’t pull it out of there, it’s like a black hole for thoughts. And so you held this boy for too long in your head and he became a part of you. When you stopped communicating with him, you lost this part. You get too attached too quickly to everyone, baby, and that ain’t good. People will leave you. I mean, come on.. I take care for most of them leaving.
- Yeah, but you are still here. You haven’t left me yet and I’m already attached to you. – I sniffed and inhaled deeply the smoke from my cigarette.
Lou looked at me as if he was trying to say something. I smiled at him. He shook his head as if he wanted to wipe his last thought. His eyes turned his usual black colour.
- Would you like another drink?
- Yes, please.
He got up, crushed the ice cubes in my glass and went to get the rum. He was thinking hard about something.
- Lou, do you really love me? – I said gently.
- Why do you ask me that? Of course I love you.
- I ask you because unlike you I can’t read minds. Also I like hearing it. The human brain works better when you remind him of things. Keeps you from forgetting, you know.
Lou handed me the 4th million drink for the night and sat in his chair looking at me. He was always looking at me.
- What are you watching?
- Your pretty drunken head.
- You got me drunk, idiot, from making me all these drinks.
- Oh and I was the one forcing you to drink them?
- That’s just details.
He laughed. The room echoed. I loved when he was laughing. Darling smiling boy..
- Lucifer...
- Please, don’t call me by my whole name.
- Why? I like it. It brings a certain value and respect to the conversation, don’t you think? And it makes me feel special. I am talking to the Devil, himself.
- But, baby, you are special. Don’t fucking let someone tell you otherwise. You’re the girl I’ll wait till the end.
- Oh, Lou, that would have been awful romantic if you didn’t actually mean that you want to be the one killing me.
- You spent your whole life killing yourself, darling. You like metaphors, right? Well then: I’m gonna be the last drop of alcohol in your body, the last burning smoke in your lungs, the last spilling ashes in your ashtray, the last person to kiss your pink lips. You waited for a prince to save you and you found him – me. I just turned out to be the Dark Prince of Hell.
- I liked that metaphor. Lou... I still miss him though.. Do you promise to bring him to me in Hell?
- Baby, he hasn’t been this bad yet. Breaking hearts isn’t a reason why I can take him to Hell.
- Oh, well.. But you’ll love me till the end, right?
- I’ll love you even forever.
- Forever is a whole lot of time, Lou.
- Tell me about it.
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V.
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