song to say goodbye

It was Monday. I remember it particularly because my coffee tasted like shit and my coffee always tastes like shit on a Monday. Some of the trees outside were blossoming so I guess it was the end of April because the weather was nice and I was wearing a t-shirt. My roommates were getting ready for work in the next room and I could hear them talk about the rent. I was sitting on my desk looking through my black notebook while drinking my coffee. I was writing my tasks for this week in the notebook. I wasn’t hungry so it must’ve been before 10 am. I glanced at the luggage in the corner of my room. So I guess I should have planned on going somewhere. Maybe my hometown. I had to took out the trash which explains the bags with garbage over there.

I put my jacket on. I put my boots on and I went out. I found myself downstairs. I forgot to take the trash out. Anyways. I stood there contemplating so I must’ve thought about what to travel by to the university. I was running late so I took the bus and then the subway. When I got off the bus I had to take my subway card out. I had to wait for 4 minutes until the subway came. I got in. I put my headphones on. I like looking at the people I travel next to. I remember seeing this woman with her little daughter. The little girl was so happy. She got a new toy or something. She was laughing and hugging her mother. The woman was stroking her hair and whispered in her ear. I bet she was telling her how much she loved her baby girl. I could almost smell their joy. I thought to myself. “I’ll never have that. I won’t have a little child loving me, I won’t have a little child to tell her how much I love her and that I would die for her and I would do anything to make her life happy. I will never know a love so pure. I may write a million books, I may work in the best magazines and newspapers in the world; I may get a hundred tattoos and travel the whole universe. But I will never ever know this kind of love. And these people don’t care for seeing the whole world, they don’t want to live my life. They don’t want to be famous. They want to be happy. And happiness is only real when shared. And the world will share with me only my thoughts and writings, not my love.”

The subway stopped. I had to get off. I stepped on the platform and watched the doors closing. The mother and her daughter were still laughing. I got on the escalator. I was late for classes. There were people all around me. They were all going somewhere. I wondered how many of them were happy. You know, with their crappy jobs, fucked up salaries, long hours in offices, huge bills in the end of the month. But did it really matter? All of this. If you’re leading this boring, tedious lifestyle and then in the end of the day you come home to your children and your spouse is taking your coat off and then kissing you, in this exact moment, do you still care that your boss called you a jerk today, or that you probably won’t be able to pay the gas bill? I bet you don’t. You are sharing the happiness. And this beats the hell out of my plan for worldwide fame and bestselling books. Because books don’t say I love you.

I was just about to enter the room. The class had already begun. The cleaning lady was dragging the mop in the hallway. She had brought again her daughter with her. There was probably nobody to watch her at home. The little girl was sitting on the benches next to the coffee machine. She was probably 10. She stood up, looked for her mother and ran to her. “I love you, mommy. Can I have a candy?”, I heard her ask. That was the moment. I decided it about 10 seconds before I entered the room. I was going to kill myself. Just end my life. Nothing could stop me. I had enough words in me but sharing them with the world was not enough. I was never going to hear the words that little girl said. “To live” was not written in my black notebook anymore. I smiled. Too bad there won’t be anyone to take out the trash.

Unfaithfully yours, V.